๐ค๐ค๐คข๐ข Yesterday marked the 4th anniversary of being diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. ๐๐๐ –
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I suppose that I am actually going through the “stages of grief”.
๐น Year 1 was shock
๐น Year 2 was anger
๐น Year 3 was denial
๐น Year 4 is apparently depression
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I know I’m usually the one to share information, raise awareness about MS, and spread the positivity and gratitude, but I just don’t have it in me right now. ๐คข
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I usually share some of the things I deal with as a way to help those without the disease gain more understanding. I always thought that if they knew a tiny bit of what we go through every day that maybe they’d have more compassion and empathy for how difficult it is to perform even the smallest task.
๐ธ Maybe they’d cut us some slack and not be angry when we forgot things.
๐ธ Maybe they wouldn’t call us lazy because we can’t work.
๐ธ Maybe they wouldn’t be resentful if we can’t be where they want us to be or do what they want us to do.
๐ธ Maybe they’d be more forgiving of our mistakes and realize that we are doing the best we can.
๐ธ Maybe they’d stop making assumptions and jumping to the wrong conclusions about us because we have a disease in our brain that affects every single aspect of our lives.
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Sometimes I share what I go through because I want to help others fighting the disease. They’ll see that they’re not alone and that someone else completely understands what they’re going through. Multiple Sclerosis is very isolating and incredibly lonely. Not only do you lose your physical and mental abilities, but you also lose almost everything and everyone else from your “previous life”.
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This year has been overwhelming. As difficult as it is, I’m going to try to think positively and celebrate this anniversary as the death of a terrible year. I survived.
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I still have a long road ahead. I have a few other health issues to get through and then hopefully I can get past this awful relapse. Then I’ll be able to start a new therapy for MS and get back on my feet. Navigating through all the Dr appointments, tests, surgeries, and medications has become a full time job. It consumes my life. It requires my full attention 24/7/365.
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I didn’t ask for this disease. I didn’t work so hard my entire life to end up like this. I have to figure out how to live a life I never wanted. Some days I can get myself out of bed, accomplish a few small things, and be grateful for what I do have. Other days my legs won’t work or the room won’t stop spinning and I’m happy if I can make it to my chair on the front porch or my glider on the back patio. I soak up the sun โ๏ธ and play fetch with my dogs and feel gratitude having an amazing husband and pets. Then there are the days where I’m in so much pain and can’t get any relief. The strongest medicine barely takes the edge off and I cry for 24 hours straight.
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I want to get through this. I want to feel better. I want to have my life back. I want a cure for MS.